I am going to be away for a few days soon, I am going interstate, it was going to be for one reason and not on my own but now it is for another reason and on my own, I am hoping to come back a little more on top of things and regain a little control of things.
Until then I am allowing myself a few days of self pity. This time of year is such hard work, 7 years ago today my little baby lost his fight for life and died during preterm labour. He had fought for so long against conditions that were nothing to do with him but in the end he just couldn't fight anymore. A few hours later he was born, he was lifeless but so beautiful, so perfect and when he died part of me died too.His anniversaries are hard as he died on the 27th October but was born just past 12am on the 28th, it seems so wrong to have a death date before a birth date, I never know which day is really 'his' day so I blur them and given him both days.
Each year it gets harder to mark his anniversaries as everyone around you expects you to be 'over it', even those who you would think would have as much attachment as me. Life is hectic with three boys to run after now but everyday I wish it was four boys, every day he is missed, every photo there is a gap where he should have stood, it really is very hard. As the years go on it doesn't get any easier at this time of year, my grief is just driven underground a little more.
I have had every comment under the sun, "he was too precious for this world" or "too perfect" but they really don't wash as I think my others boys are precious and perfect and they do just fine here on Earth. No it makes no difference that he wasn't my first, I don't love him any the less, the fact he didn't got to term makes no difference, is there a difference between an 8 wk foetus, a 6 months one or a full term one? I think not, they are all someones baby. If Thomas had survived birth he had a chance of surviving life.
I know I sound like a miserable old bag, I am sorry, but I gave birth to a gorgeous little man and I spend so much of my times devoted to his brothers, a few days a year spent thinking of him, wondering how things could have been if he had lived, wishing things could be different etc is not too much to ask.
There are so many beautiful poems out there about child loss, here is one I have chosen to use today
I once had a son who now lives with God above,
I never got to know him and I never knew his love,
I once had a son whose heart beat close to mine,
I never knew his beauty for I never got the time,
For my son he was taken before the dawn could break,
He's now sleeping in my heart where his share of love he takes.
When I see my children who now walk here by my side,
There's a sweet image of my son mirrored in their eyes,
When I see a rose bud dropped to the ground too soon,
It reminds me of my baby who was gone before he bloomed,
If God should stand before me and grant me one last wish,
I'd wish my baby in my arms to on his head bestow a kiss.
I know I have my children who to me are very dear,
But there's an empty place within my life for which I shed a tear,
So I question God each day as to why he couldn't stay,
Why my son was given to me then silently taken away,
But I know I have to be patient and wait till I go home,
Then within the grounds of God's heavenly home
my son and I will roam.