I know it has been a long time since I was a regular blogger, I promise things will get better!
My mum has been over from the UK for a few weeks so I have been spending time with her, She is a SU! demonstrator in England, she lacks confidence a little (I don't know why as she is VERY good!) so I have been giving some pointers - not that I can do anything she can't!
Anyway she flew off this morning and as I post she will be on her way to Hong Kong. The boys were devastated this morning saying good bye and she was pretty cut up too. We shall all miss her, I wish we cold move all our families over here too. Anyway she will have to come back soon as already the ironing pile more than fills one basket!!
I find this time of year a bit of a struggle, my creative juices don't flow as I think of my little man, Thomas, who dies just before birth 6 years ago. Yesterday would have been his 6th birthday, the build up to it is very hard. You kind of feel as if you are wading through treacle. You just cannot 'gee' yourself up and everything falls in to the 'too hard' basket. Many of my friends both here and back in the UK have sent lovely messages, it is nice to know that he is not forgotten yet sad that some people who were close to me at the time and still are never bother to remember.
A comment was made to me earlier this week when I mentioned it was Thomas' birthday coming up, "it is nice you haven't forgotten him", my answer was you cannot ever give birth to a child and forget them and their answer was "some people do, it depends how they deal with it". I didn't really know what to make of that, does that mean I have not dealt with it? What it really means is the person that said that has never lost a much wanted and much loved baby, they are making the assumption that some people just move on and 'forget'. Perhaps it is attitudes like this that make people like myself, who have lost a baby, feel they need to keep their emotions hidden?!
Thomas is never far from my mind, there is a definite void in our family that only he can fill. At his funeral my mum read out a beautiful poem called Forget-me-Not. I would like to share it with you now and perhaps you can spend a moment thinking of my little Thomas and all the other babies that die during pregnancy or soon after birth.
We are the ones God chose to take
We are the ones you could not awake
We are the buds you see on a tree
We are the ones whose spirit runs free
We are the bulbs you may plant in spring
We are the sound when you hear the birds sing
We are the ones that could not cry
We are the ones He chose to die
We are the bees you hear hum
We had no voice to call you mum
We are the forest that fragrance the wood
To be with you, if only we could
Forget-me-nots that's what we are
We grow in your garden not very far
We are a heart broken in two
We are the ones who belong to you
We are the ones you could not share
We are the empty space you see there
So really you see us in every way
Forget me not for every day
Author Lanette Lusk